Here we go

Well, we saw Dr Pabon this morning for a follow up ultrasound. And shockingly, all looked good and we start the Follistim and Lupron injections again tomorrow. WOW! We signed all of the paperwork and paid for a third of this next IVF. So - I think we will be ready for egg retrieval surgery and the transfer again mid November. My lining dropped back down to 4. And they drew an estradiol level today and another will be drawn on Tuesday morning.

He thankfully gave us a thousand dollars worth of Follistim to get me through the weekend as a gift saying he knew how difficult it is to go from one cycle right into the next.

As sad as I have been all week, I suddenly feel kind of excited again and VERY hopeful for this next try. Please keep us in your prayers! I am trying to stay as positive as possible and will try to find peace and some relaxation this month.

TGIF

Dr Pabon left a message on my cell while I was at work yesterday. And I didn't get the message until after their office was closed. (insert frustrated groan here) But, he wanted me to know that we have to do an ultrasound today. And his office will be open until noon. Which is lovely, because I work until noon today.

You really need to take 2 full months off of work to get prepared and endure an IVF cycle. It is very time consuming and unfortunately, my job is totally interfering with my quest for a baby these days. :)

Textapalooza

I think most people are afraid to talk to us these days. And I understand. In fact I am a rollercoaster wanting to be happy one minute and sad and alone the next. Even my husband doesn't know how to read me right now. But I do give credit to my blackberry for allowing us to have plenty of support these days. It's so much easier to text and blog than to have uncomfortable and sad conversations on the phone and in person. Things are happening now and I am glad to be finally finishing this cycle and ready to move on.

I was reading a friend's blog that is also struggling with infertility. She is considering all of the options. And at a time while we are feeling a little hopeless, it is nice to realize there are actually quite a few!! I have some structural problems that give us a less than 5% chance of ever conceiving on our own and even then, I am at a HUGE risk of an ectopic pregnancy. Some of our options include IUI, IVF, IVF with a surrogate, IVF with an adopted embryo, IVF with an anonymous egg donor, IVF with a known egg donor, international adoption and domestic adoption. And ALL of these come with a huge pricetag. I don't feel that any of them are the "cheaper route". I have actually been floored to hear most of those figures.

We have already tried jumping into the adoption route and after an intense interview with an agency and looking through mounds of paperwork from other agencies, we were not comfortable with that choice yet. I was full of hope when I took Clomid last year for three months. Only to find out I hadn't ovulated at any time. And we were happy to try IVF this past cycle. I have confidence that my doctor is helping us make the right choices. And for now, he feels that we still have a good chance at getting pregnant with another IVF cycle. So, we're ALL IN! Here we go again. All we can do is hope and pray for the best and for peace in our decision and our outcome.

Waiting

I am still waiting...patiently...for the REAL miscarriage to start. And it's SHEER TORTURE. I want to just get it over with! I had my first couple of adult beverages in the past few months. And I just want to float away.

I did however return to work today. And my boss is AMAZING!! She was the most positive and uplifting person I have encountered this week. She did a great job of understanding the pain and then pointing out the positives in my life and situation. And I am grateful for having her in my daily life.

Or not?

I guess, I don't know what we are doing. We are waiting and seeing. We will maybe start stims again on November 12th or we will wait until January. Only time will tell. We are going to see how long this AF-M/C lingers. Dr Pabon will probably be the one to decide. There are pros and cons to both. We can get this show on the road again, or relax and enjoy the holidays with a lovely adult beverage or two.

I can't decide how I am feeling today. I range from tears to laughter. A HOT mess! :)

Stay tuned!!

And we shall wait...

Still waiting to talk to the doctor again today. But, I think we have decided to hold off until January to try this again. I need a break mentally and physically. We want to enjoy the holidays and feel refreshed to start over in the new year.

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

~Ashleigh Brilliant

Sleepless in Sarasota

It's 2:30 AM and I guess I am not going to get any sleep tonight. I am in a lot of pain physically tonight as well as emotionally. The cramping is really intense and a constant reminder of what is happening.

I am thinking about the insane decision to jump right into this process again. Are we NUTS? Dr P assures us that we still have a good chance of getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy. He feels that he has a good understanding of my body's reaction to the stimulation from this past cycle. He knows more about my anatomy and my challenges and is geared up for round two. We definitely want to try again. I just don't know how to prepare myself for this kind of heartache again.

There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.
~Woody Hayes

Sad news

This is very difficult for me to write. The HCG dropped and today my fears were confirmed. We are having a miscarriage. I know it is very early. But it doesn't make anything easier.

I just knew this was happening. I felt extreme cramping all night Saturday night. And I had a steady amount of cramping all day yesterday. I spotted a little first thing this morning before I went in for the bloodwork. Also, my breasts went from being extremely sore to normal over night on Friday night. And oddly - I JUST KNEW. I didn't feel pregnant anymore.

We are devastated. And unlike the sadness from our first miscarriage, I just feel pissed off this time! I am full of anger. This just isn't fair!

Well - that was a quick way to blow 20 grand! Dr P feels that we could try again in a month. And I think we are game to try again also. Although, I have no idea where we will come up with more money. We just have to figure it out and try one more time. It was kind of 'fun' in a way - giving myself my own injections and seeing the follies multiply on the ultrasounds. We were so full of hope with this cycle! And now, I think it will be very intense and a bit depressing.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I just wish I could figure out what that reason is.

Blogger answer.

My official answer from the Blogger help people, is that my little floating embryo gadget caused the blog error when it was installed. And I seem to have permanently lost all of my older posts. Wow - really? That doesn't even make sense. Needless to say, I am NOT HAPPY! I may be searching for a new blog host. But I am too tired to think about it this morning.

Asking for prayers and good vibes!

Well, I don't know what happened to my older posts. Hopefully it is just a temporary blogger glitch?!

I am cramping quite a bit today and VERY worried that something is wrong. Say a prayer for this baby to hold on tight!! I will have more bloodwork tomorrow to see if our little bean is still growing strong.

TEST

Something seems to be very wrong with my blog today! I can't view ANY posts. So - this is a test. Does anyone see this entry?