Yay!!

The babies and I would like to send a shout out to their daddy!!! Congratulations Peter! He just finished the master's program and officially has his Masters of Science in Management. Way to go!

On another note, we found out today that Peter's sister is having a boy! There will be a full clan of cousins born within a couple of months of each other. We can't wait for the fun family gatherings with babies galore!!

Another miracle!!

I am supposed to take the zofran and phenergan at the same time. Or at least I CAN take them at the same time. But it just seemed a little extreme. I felt nauseated as usual last night and took a phenergan which totally knocked my arse out! And I woke up for my 3 AM potty break a little on the queasy side, so I took a zofran. And NOW, it's 6:30 and I am eating breakfast!! No puking, no gagging. Just eating. An egg and toast and a slice of bacon. This is heaven.

That last post was just too whiny. So for some uplifting thoughts...

We had a wonderful Christmas at the beach. This year it really seems like my 9 and 11 year old nephews have matured!! It really makes me realized how much time has passed and how much we have to look forward to with our own little brood. We played games and ate a ton of food. The weather was a bit cool for the beach - but it was nice to keep the windows and lanai open and let the salt breezes flow through the room. It was tough to go back to work already today but I am already looking forward to another long weekend of relaxation for the new year.

I hope all of your Christmas or holiday celebrations were happy and filled with family and friends.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
Our troubles will be out of sight."-
Judy Garland

I finally had to call my OB (who I haven't even seen for the pregnancy yet). She found out a week ago at my appointment for the swine flu shot, that I was pregnant with twins! She was excited for me and looks forward to my release to her later in January. Unfortunatley, the nausea and the frequent vomitting has gotten worse, it's awful. I can hardly get myself together in the morning and have either come in late or needed to leave early several days at work. And this morning just did me in. Again, I will say that I know this is what I have longed for. I always keep in mind that morning sickness is a wonderful problem to have!!! And although I do appreciate it, I can't take it anymore.

Dr P is on vacation until next Monday and I couldn't wait for him any longer! I called the OB office and thankfully Dr Swanson called in two presriptions for me. Zofran and Phenergan. I am hoping they are the answers to my nauseated prayers!! She warned me about dehydration and told me not to hesitate to go to the hospital for fluids if need be. I think I am okay for now and I will just try to enjoy some relief from the drugs.

Olive you both!!

Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

Merry Christmas Eve, Eve...

Last Christmas I was taking my first doses of Clomid. Wow - this year has been long and trying...but in the end successful! The timing is amazing. I always feel such a sense of peace at Christmas. And this year I can't describe the happiness and love in our house.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and all the best for 2010. Stay warm and safe and enjoy the time with friends and family.

Happy Anniversary baby!! <3


"The best Christmas of all is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in one another."
-Unknown

Daily Reassurance :)

Bummer.

We have enjoyed our weekly bloodwork and the ultrasound. And now I am going through WITHDRAWAL!! We want to know what's going on in there and have to wait until January 6th.

I am trying really hard to figure out all of the cures for morning sickness. I was late to work yet again today. It's sure not fun. And starting to last all day and night. I can only keep in mind that morning sickness is usually a really good sign that all is well! Only two more days to survive this week and then it's Christmas!! I am really looking forward to some downtime at the beach with my family.

A good neighbor will babysit. A great neighbor will babysit twins.
~Author Unknown

On the fifth day of Christmas...

We survived Christmas #1! And came home with a carload of great baby loot! Grandma's are wonderful. It was so much fun to open gifts for TWO babies! But after seeing two of everything, it really hit me. Wow, our house is going to be a zoo!! It should be quite an adventure.

I have been waking up in the night with strange painful twinges - that worry me only because it's the middle of the night and my usual time to panic! But, I hear twinges are normal as can be for the 8th week.

Raspberries!!

Your baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

Hungry Hungry Hippo!

I am so happy to have a couple of days off work next week and another day the week after that. I desperately need a nap! We have our first Christmas this weekend, and I can't believe it is here already. We will of course have fun this year but next Christmas is going to be SUCH a change for us! It should be a LOT of fun.

The babies seem to be letting me know they are in control. I can't make it more than a couple of hours without eating, or I get sick. VERY sick. But, if I keep eating on schedule I am usually a little better. I don't even enjoy food right now. It's just a chore!!

My friend Shayla and her hubby will be here tonight and we are going out for dinner to celebrate her birthday! I am already worried about how I will time the food. I may end up eating before we go just to get me by. This may sound crazy, but it's serious business people!!

I think I am still in shock! And the funny thing is, today I know there are TWO babies in there, and now I am nauseated most of the time and 10 times more tired. I guess it is just exhausting to think about!!!! I couldn't be more excited! Twice the blessings, it's amazing. I have so many things running through my mind. Imagine...2 carseats, double strollers, diapers, diapers, diapers!!! Our lives will never be the same and I can't wait!

The moment we all have been waiting for...

It's TWINS!! Two beautiful heartbeats! We are in shock and beyond excited!

Blueberry!

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

I am losing it. Slowly but surely!

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound. I am SO NERVOUS! The waves of nausea come and go and my ta-ta's are still sore and tingly. But, what if this is all just some crazy fantasy and there is nothing really in there?! I actually peed on another stick just to make sure it still showed two lines. It's madness and I can't wait any longer!

Oink oink!

I called my OB and explained to the nurse that I am a patient there but currently seeing my RE and am 6 weeks pregnant. She said I definitely need the swine flu shot and should come in next week. So - I will be doing that next Friday!

Just a few more days until my first look!!

Wow - I was feeling great until TODAY. I ended up needing to turn around and drive home to re-shower and regroup for work this morning. Yes, it was THAT bad. I think it is totally related to a lack of food. The more I eat, the better I feel. I shall be a fat cow in a few short months! Anyway, I think this should be a good sign that the baby is doing okay? I hope! I still have my worries and can't wait until I get a good look in there with the 'magic wand' on Monday!!

I still haven't had the swine flu shot. And I think it's time. I've had tons of people tell me I would be an idiot not to get it. I am going to call my OB tomorrow and see what they say.

We wonder...

It seems that all of my IVF friends had a 5 week ultrasound and they are lucky enough to know how many gestational sacs are there. So - I am a little jealous and OBSESSING over the hcg numbers trying to figure it out. It's impossible. Signs point to twins, but I also see several singletons with higher #'s here and there. So, our patience shall be tested this week! We are excited no matter what we find, but I just can't wait to see what's going on in there! The good thing about waiting until 6 weeks for the first ultrasound is a better chance of seeing a heartbeat on our first look. I can't wait!

HcG = 9973!!!!

Sweet Pea!

Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet - still webbed like paddles - might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

The sun will come out tomorrow!

We went to Baby Depot and Babies R Us today. It is always amazing to sort through all of the baby gadgets they have these days! And the little clothes and bedding are all SO cute! It was fun. But I used to leave the store unhappy as I was depressed to not be pregnant myself. And today I left upset because I am nervous and worried to know what's going on inside of me these days. I have been feeling physically much better all weekend. So, of course I am very anxious to find out my third Hcg tomorrow! And then hopefully we will see a heartbeat on our first ultrasound next week and it will calm my nerves a little bit.

But for now - I shall stay on pins and needles.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Cyclesista is back!!

Ho ho ho!!

I am able to stay home today and so excited to have a few days off work! It has been a very long week with the nausea and various other symptoms. It is good timing for the first trimester due to the holidays. I seem to have at least one day off work each week until the middle of January. I usually have Friday afternoons off anyway, and luckily my OBGYN sees OB patients on Fridays. That helps my future schedule immensely and makes my coworker and boss very happy!

I can hardly believe I am starting my sixth week of pregnancy already! Both Peter and I are dying to get through this weekend and find out the next Beta Hcg. Although, we will be (hopefully) really happy for at least a day before we start freaking out and dying to get through the next week awaiting the first ultrasound. The worry never goes away. I wonder if it ever will. I know the symptoms are such a good sign. But if I feel okay, even for a few minutes, I start to wonder what is wrong. It's ridiculous.

The Christmas decorations are up all over in the house and now it's time to start tackling the lights outside. Hint, hint dear husband!! We finally have a reason to hang our third Christmas stocking this year!! It's a WONDERFUL sight to see every morning when I walk through the living room. I have waited soooo long for this. I just hope it lasts and we are in for an exciting life as a family. The Christmas season is my favorite time of the year. And I am not letting a little pregnancy misery keep me from the happiness that the holidays bring to our house!! I love it.

Appleseed!

Your embryo (looking kind of like a tadpole) is starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). Baby's presence in your uterus triggers production of hCG (the hormone detected by pregnancy tests)... which triggers production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone... which trigger all those great symptoms you've probably been noticing!

go away bad thoughts!!

I have been sooo excited about being pregnant! But...I woke up at 4:30 AM with that horrible "what if I miscarry?" feeling. I hate that.

oh wow

I am feeling a little guilty about the following whine. For two years I have said I would give ANYTHING to have pregnancy symptoms. I must have been insane!! I will certainly admit that I feel like death showed up and slapped me in the face today. Nausea is one thing, but nonstop barfing is a new delight in my day.

I guess it is a wonderful thing. :)

Correction!!

I had posted the wrong hcg chart yesterday. Check out the correct one here. The red line shows my hcg levels. Twins or a singleton...that is the question!!

I am in my 5th week of pregnancy. That seems pretty early to have heartburn all day and night doesn't it? Wowsers. Tum, tum, tum ,tum...TUMS!

12dp5dt Beta = 638

Yay - all is going well and that's a very healthy hcg! I am 17dpo on an average chart. So, as you can see we are higher than normal!!

I have another beta hcg next Monday and an ultrasound on 12/14/09. If all is well I have a last ultrasound on 01/04/10 and then I graduate and move on to my OBGYN!

I know we spent what seems like a bizillion dollars and lots of time and emotions going to one of the best RE's in the country. But it still seems like a shock to be pregnant. And doing REALLY well!!

Yay!

I went out and braved the crowds at the outlet mall this morning. It was in the forties!! Wait, don't we live in Florida? Brrrr. My hubby is golfing tomorrow morning. YIKES! I had better pack a good jacket and warm socks.

It's a very good thing that I don't know if my SIL is having a boy or a girl yet. All the clothes at Carter's were 60% off. But it was not very gender neutral. I could have bought a car load of cute baby clothes. I guess it was just so much fun to look!

We had a fun Thanksgiving day setting up our Christmas tree(s) and steaks on the grill with Peter's parents. And today I am eating leftovers, doing laundry and will soon be gassing up the car for a road trip to the other coast for our REAL Thanksgiving with Pete's family tomorrow.

I have never felt such an amazing amount of happiness and gratitude at Thanksgiving. We have so much to celebrate this year!!

Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.

~Anthony Brandt

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,our troubles will be out of sight."

-Hugh Martin

Poppyseed

In week 4, now safe in your womb, the ball of cells (blastocyst) splits in two, becoming the embryo and the placenta. The amniotic sac and fluid are forming around baby, and will act as a cushion for the next eight months.

Yay some more.

I know I am good and pregnant, but I did one more HPT tonight. And really the timing was awful, I had just downed a bottle of water and it should have been diluted. BUT, the test line was SO DARK it matched the control line!! It was as positive as you can possibly get.

What a difference a day makes!! Wow, that makes me feel good. I pray that it just keeps going strong. Hang on baby! We would love to meet you next summer!


We give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.

~Author Unknown

VERY WONDERFUL NEWS!!

We truly have a LOT to be thankful for this year. I started peeing on sticks early this week and knew I was pregnant right away with some faint lines. And they were more pronounced each morning! So, I called Dr Pabon yesterday and he had me come in this morning for an early beta hcg!

I just got off the phone with the doctor and I am DEFINITELY pregnant!!!!! YAY! My last cycle's initial beta was VERY low but this is on the higher side for this early in the game. It was 60! So we are very excited. I will go back for another beta on Monday.

What a miracle!!

I did it.

It was our 'take it easy' date night so we went to Crackerbarrel for some good home cookin! And then to(my oh so favorite) Target. I slowly wandered and indulged in some baby gift shopping. And we bought a load of pregnancy tests. I can't wait to start peeing on them!

Clarification of our three little piggies!

I've had some emails asking why we want triplets. And I definitely need to clarify that!!

We put in two embryos last time and did not have any babies as a result. That was all we had to work with during that cycle. So it made the choice very easy! It was devastating after all of the time, emotions and money spent to end up with nothing but a broken heart!

This cycle we had three very healthy embryos to choose from in the group of six...and so we put in three embryos this time to increase our chance of having one baby. This is the reason for the lengthy discussion and final decision with the doctor(that knows my body),and the embryologist(that knows our little embryos). So, yes there is a chance of all three burrowing into my uterus and growing. But it's a low chance. And now we have a good chance of getting pregnant with at least one baby instead of none!

So - no prayers for triplets please. We are just praying for a baby to bless our lives!!

Frosties = frozen embryos (Two of the three remaining embryos that were not implanted have developed a little further along and survived until yesterday. We were happy to hear that they were frozen for possible use in the future if our fresh cycle is another failure - or if we want another child someday.)

just chilling

We are now the proud parents of 2 frosties! Or grandsicles as my dad likes to refer to them. Twas a very long boring day in bed. But, I am definitely feeling relaxed and comfy from an entire day in my jammies. I only have a few hours of work tomorrow and then we will spend a couple more days resting at home this weekend.

Embies!

Aren't they adorable? These three embryos are in me now!! We have 3 more that will be frozen if they survive the next day or so, and one that arrested. We are OVER THE MOON with excitement!! Dr Pabon is pretty convinced that we will be pregnant from this transfer. There is a 15% chance of triplets and more likely a chance of twins or a singleton as two of the embryos were grade A and one was grade B. Three embryos in a 33 year old is pretty aggressive and two would have been the conservative approach. But the doctor and the embryologist and Peter and I all discussed the options at length and felt this was a good choice after not getting pregnant with the last attempt.

So - I am on bedrest and staying quiet today and tomorrow. I am going to be taking it very easy for a couple of weeks and the pregnancy test will be the Monday after Turkey day.

Keep us in your prayers!!

Transfer day

Today is the BIG day! I wonder how many little embies are still going strong? I am really looking forward to lying in bed for a couple of days - relaxing and dreaming of our future.

What happened to cyclesista?

The seven dwarfs

I still can't believe I have seven little embies growing in that lab! I was more prepared for everything this time, but I was also filled with a lot more doubt during this cycle. It was a shock to have some success! I had a ton of support for the first cycle. And although people are still happy for us they seem very distant and less interested for the past couple of weeks. I don't mean my blog friends and commenters, you guys are wonderful. But it seems some of our friends and family feel we rushed into this cycle too quickly. What noone understands is that my hormones are never in check, and this time I was right where I needed to be. We let the doctor encourage the back to back cycles and it was actually the perfect time to try again. Everything has been better, the hormone #'s, the follicles, the uterine lining, the anesthesia, the doctor's familiarity with my wacky ovary placement...it's all good.

Now it's time to eat right, rest and stay positive and not worry about anyone but us. I have done ALL that I can do. I just hope and pray that this is meant to be!

Possible names?
1.Sneezy
2.Sleepy
3.Dopey
4.Doc
5.Happy
6.Bashful
7.Grumpy

WOWSERS!!

Dr Pabon just called. ALL SEVEN FERTILIZED!! He even said 'yay'! So - we will do a 5 day transfer on Wednesday afternoon. I can't believe it. What a miracle. Grow embies grow!

I am trying to occupy my time awaiting a call from the doctor! So - bear with my blog background changes. Currently it is puke green. I don't know about that.

trying to be a patient patient

It is 4:00 in the morning amd I am wide awake. Maybe it was all of my napping yesterday? Oh well. I was given much lighter anesthesia yesterday. I was twitching all over with the first egg retrieval surgery, so they chose to keep it lighter for the second round. The last thing I remember is Doctor Pabon telling me that I may wake up during the procedure or remember them talking, and he told me 'don't be scared'. Yeah right! I was scared to death for the next 20 seconds before I drifted off and didn't know anything was happening until it was over. I guess it was better for all of us. :)

I am SO hopeful and nervous to hear the fertilization report today! They said I should hear from Dr Pabon around noonish. I am praying for some great embies and would love a couple of frosties for future use. But that is a LOT to ask of 7 little eggs. So, we shall find our patience and say our prayers again.

7!!

I am home! We got SEVEN this time! Which is an absolute miracle for me. We are so happy! And now I am going to go pass out. More later.

This is it!

Today is the day. I am up EARLY and unable to relax enough to get back to sleep. So, I am catching up on our laundry, dishes, and cleaning the floors. Do you think my sleeping hubby would mind if I threw on the lights and vaccuumed our bedroom? Ha - I am not that mean.

We leave the house at 9am and it's only 6am. That's THREE hours of non-eating and non-drinking nervousness. I wish I could take that valium NOW.

We just realized that we are having surgery to concieve a baby on Friday the 13th!!! OMG.

butterflies

I am so anxious for tomorrow's procedure. I can't wait to find out how many eggs we get. But I am getting VERY nervous this time. Last cycle, I was excited and just looked forward to hearing about my bizillion eggs. I had no idea that he wouldn't be able to access my right ovary (you know, the one FULL of follies). But this time we are prepared and just hoping for ANYTHING.

Saying my prayers!!

Ready, Set...

Here we go! I just took my last dose of Follistim. I take my trigger shot at 9:45 tonight. I will have one last check tomorrow morning, and then surgery is at 9:45 Friday morning!! I am bloated beyond imagination and have gained a bit of weight in the past few days. So - I know I am a little overstimulated. But, we expected this. Thankfully I am off work for the rest of this week. I am drinking plenty of fluids and dreaming of babies!!

Wish us luck.

rinse...repeat

I saw Dr Pabon again today for another round of bloodwork and an ultrasound. He is telling me that any sane doctor would have triggered me yesterday and done the retrieval on Wednesday. BUT, he knows me and knows that he wants as many mature eggs from the left ovary as possible to avoid going through my uterus if possible. He planned to trigger me tonight. BUT...he is playing with fire and letting me go yet another day!! So, I will be back for a check first thing in the morning again and we will plan for a Friday surgery. I am expecting a MAJOR amount of bloating and we are all praying that I don't hyperstimulate! The hormone levels are great and the follies are a growing. I am done working for the week as my boss is headed to California. Perfect timing!! My feet are up and I am vegged out on the couch. Life is good.

still multiplying

I had another ultrasound and some more bloodwork today. There was a medical student in the office and I actually appreciated hearing the overview of 'my case' being presented by Dr Pabon. I am a confirmed mess. :) But all is going well. I have plenty of follicles! He wants to take a chance and push me a little further along to have more mature follicles on the left side. My right ovary is completely hidden behind the uterus. Not cool! So we will try to avoid hyperstimulation syndrome. And I have another ultrasound again tomorrow morning!!! Stay tuned...

Looking good.

All is well! I had bloodwork and another ultrasound (follie check) today. I have lots of them in there! They are growing nicely on both sides. I keep up the Follistim 200iu and Lupron 20, through the weekend. Next check is on Monday morning and he is estimating retrieval on Wednesday or Thursday. We are excited and ready to do this again.

I am waking up with a new attitude this morning. Grow follies, grow! :)

Oh my.

I have a heavy sadness tonight. Can we say 'depression'? I don't know if it's the Lupron? Or just the fact that we have to endure this crap. I would give ANYTHING to be a mommy. I know I am not alone. But I feel deep in the pits of sadness, and I feel that noone could possibly understand.

Looking good

So far - so good. Second estradiol level was 'good'. And I didn't ask what the # was. It's easier to just go with 'good'! I am on track and keeping up with the Lupron 20 for the next three nights and Follistim goes down to 250. My next ultrasound/follie check and bloodwork will be Friday, another Monday. And then possible retrieval surgery days are next Wed/Thur/Fri!!

It's going by SO FAST!

Feeling selfish.

Babies, babies, everywhere!! It seems there are pregnant women and babies surrounding me these days. And I am OKAY with that. It seems to be an inspiration and I would like their bellies to send me some good baby vibes!!

Today I was chatting with my boss about the IVF cycle. And we discussed in depth, the multiple challenges we have in the fertility department. And it was the FIRST time I have felt that this really is my last shot at bliss. I know we can try a donor cycle and we can adopt. But this feels like my last chance to make some of our very own embryos. It may sound selfish to want my very own mix of Peter and my DNA. And I know I would be MADLY in love with an adopted baby or an adopted embryo. But for now, this is what I want.

Falling back!

I did the Follistim and Lupron injections at 8PM last night. I am supposed to do these at the same time every night (every 24 hours). And at 7PM tonight - I looked at the clock on the wall that hadn't been changed off of Daylight Savings Time. I saw that it said 8:00 and then it hit me!! My gosh - we needed to switch to 7PM shots or we would be off an hour. Duh.

I had another BIG dose of Follistim and a double dose of Lupron. My bruises are adding up already. But we are in good spirits and still smiling.

We had chinese food for dinner tonight.

Pete's fortune = A dream you have will come true.

Ann's fortune = You will get what your heart desires.

And we're off...

I started my injections last night - in my Tim Tebow costume! :) They were much bigger doses than I used last cycle. I indulged in some wine at a party last night, and now I am done. I am focused. And I can't wait to breeze through and watch these follies grow!

Here we go

Well, we saw Dr Pabon this morning for a follow up ultrasound. And shockingly, all looked good and we start the Follistim and Lupron injections again tomorrow. WOW! We signed all of the paperwork and paid for a third of this next IVF. So - I think we will be ready for egg retrieval surgery and the transfer again mid November. My lining dropped back down to 4. And they drew an estradiol level today and another will be drawn on Tuesday morning.

He thankfully gave us a thousand dollars worth of Follistim to get me through the weekend as a gift saying he knew how difficult it is to go from one cycle right into the next.

As sad as I have been all week, I suddenly feel kind of excited again and VERY hopeful for this next try. Please keep us in your prayers! I am trying to stay as positive as possible and will try to find peace and some relaxation this month.

TGIF

Dr Pabon left a message on my cell while I was at work yesterday. And I didn't get the message until after their office was closed. (insert frustrated groan here) But, he wanted me to know that we have to do an ultrasound today. And his office will be open until noon. Which is lovely, because I work until noon today.

You really need to take 2 full months off of work to get prepared and endure an IVF cycle. It is very time consuming and unfortunately, my job is totally interfering with my quest for a baby these days. :)

Textapalooza

I think most people are afraid to talk to us these days. And I understand. In fact I am a rollercoaster wanting to be happy one minute and sad and alone the next. Even my husband doesn't know how to read me right now. But I do give credit to my blackberry for allowing us to have plenty of support these days. It's so much easier to text and blog than to have uncomfortable and sad conversations on the phone and in person. Things are happening now and I am glad to be finally finishing this cycle and ready to move on.

I was reading a friend's blog that is also struggling with infertility. She is considering all of the options. And at a time while we are feeling a little hopeless, it is nice to realize there are actually quite a few!! I have some structural problems that give us a less than 5% chance of ever conceiving on our own and even then, I am at a HUGE risk of an ectopic pregnancy. Some of our options include IUI, IVF, IVF with a surrogate, IVF with an adopted embryo, IVF with an anonymous egg donor, IVF with a known egg donor, international adoption and domestic adoption. And ALL of these come with a huge pricetag. I don't feel that any of them are the "cheaper route". I have actually been floored to hear most of those figures.

We have already tried jumping into the adoption route and after an intense interview with an agency and looking through mounds of paperwork from other agencies, we were not comfortable with that choice yet. I was full of hope when I took Clomid last year for three months. Only to find out I hadn't ovulated at any time. And we were happy to try IVF this past cycle. I have confidence that my doctor is helping us make the right choices. And for now, he feels that we still have a good chance at getting pregnant with another IVF cycle. So, we're ALL IN! Here we go again. All we can do is hope and pray for the best and for peace in our decision and our outcome.

Waiting

I am still waiting...patiently...for the REAL miscarriage to start. And it's SHEER TORTURE. I want to just get it over with! I had my first couple of adult beverages in the past few months. And I just want to float away.

I did however return to work today. And my boss is AMAZING!! She was the most positive and uplifting person I have encountered this week. She did a great job of understanding the pain and then pointing out the positives in my life and situation. And I am grateful for having her in my daily life.

Or not?

I guess, I don't know what we are doing. We are waiting and seeing. We will maybe start stims again on November 12th or we will wait until January. Only time will tell. We are going to see how long this AF-M/C lingers. Dr Pabon will probably be the one to decide. There are pros and cons to both. We can get this show on the road again, or relax and enjoy the holidays with a lovely adult beverage or two.

I can't decide how I am feeling today. I range from tears to laughter. A HOT mess! :)

Stay tuned!!

And we shall wait...

Still waiting to talk to the doctor again today. But, I think we have decided to hold off until January to try this again. I need a break mentally and physically. We want to enjoy the holidays and feel refreshed to start over in the new year.

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

~Ashleigh Brilliant

Sleepless in Sarasota

It's 2:30 AM and I guess I am not going to get any sleep tonight. I am in a lot of pain physically tonight as well as emotionally. The cramping is really intense and a constant reminder of what is happening.

I am thinking about the insane decision to jump right into this process again. Are we NUTS? Dr P assures us that we still have a good chance of getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy. He feels that he has a good understanding of my body's reaction to the stimulation from this past cycle. He knows more about my anatomy and my challenges and is geared up for round two. We definitely want to try again. I just don't know how to prepare myself for this kind of heartache again.

There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.
~Woody Hayes

Sad news

This is very difficult for me to write. The HCG dropped and today my fears were confirmed. We are having a miscarriage. I know it is very early. But it doesn't make anything easier.

I just knew this was happening. I felt extreme cramping all night Saturday night. And I had a steady amount of cramping all day yesterday. I spotted a little first thing this morning before I went in for the bloodwork. Also, my breasts went from being extremely sore to normal over night on Friday night. And oddly - I JUST KNEW. I didn't feel pregnant anymore.

We are devastated. And unlike the sadness from our first miscarriage, I just feel pissed off this time! I am full of anger. This just isn't fair!

Well - that was a quick way to blow 20 grand! Dr P feels that we could try again in a month. And I think we are game to try again also. Although, I have no idea where we will come up with more money. We just have to figure it out and try one more time. It was kind of 'fun' in a way - giving myself my own injections and seeing the follies multiply on the ultrasounds. We were so full of hope with this cycle! And now, I think it will be very intense and a bit depressing.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I just wish I could figure out what that reason is.

Blogger answer.

My official answer from the Blogger help people, is that my little floating embryo gadget caused the blog error when it was installed. And I seem to have permanently lost all of my older posts. Wow - really? That doesn't even make sense. Needless to say, I am NOT HAPPY! I may be searching for a new blog host. But I am too tired to think about it this morning.

Asking for prayers and good vibes!

Well, I don't know what happened to my older posts. Hopefully it is just a temporary blogger glitch?!

I am cramping quite a bit today and VERY worried that something is wrong. Say a prayer for this baby to hold on tight!! I will have more bloodwork tomorrow to see if our little bean is still growing strong.

TEST

Something seems to be very wrong with my blog today! I can't view ANY posts. So - this is a test. Does anyone see this entry?